Knits of Grief First Donation

Last Monday, on Oct. 25, I was able to make my first donation. Yeah! I was able to donate 14 blankets to St. Joseph's Hospital in downtown Denver -- the same hospital where we delivered Jackson. I wanted this hospital to be the first place I donated, in honor of Jackson. I was also pleased I was able to do it around his birthday, too. I couldn't bring myself to go on his actual birthday, but I think it will be something I will always remember.

I have to admit, the night before I gave my donation, I felt a bit anxious. I even had a dream about it. I thought about how sad it is that these blankets will be going to families who will lose their child. I really don't like thinking about that fact. But I guess the truth is it happens ... and if I can bring the family a simple thing to be comforted by, I can feel good about that.

As it turns out, the hospital and nurses were thrilled to take the donation and said they would take anything they can get.  After I left the hospital, I felt great about it and happy I was able to do it.

On top of this, I was also able to send three blankets to With Love Care Packages. I'm very excited to help Franchesca out and her mission!

Obviously this couldn't have happened without the help of many people. A big thanks to my husband Brent for his continued support, encouragement and help with bagging all the blankets. Thank you Shen for accompanying me to the hospital and carrying the bags -- I couldn't have done it myself, and you being there gave me the motivation to do it!

A huge thanks for all those who helped provide blankets thus far. Thank you Lori L. for your two beautiful soft blankets. And Joanna S. -- someone I don't even know -- for taking the time to crochet for my mission. And a big thanks to Geri S. and the Heritage Guild of South Suburbia, South Holland Illinois. The group provided me with 12 blankets and a monetary donation. I was so overwhelmed with their generosity and every bit certainly helps!

The two blankets I knitted

Blankets ready to be bagged and donated

Back of postcard included with blankets

I do just want to mention one other thing. Franchesca, with With Love Care Packages, was so kind enough to design my own personal blog button. You can find it on the right-hand side of my blog on the homepage. If you have a blog or Web site, I would love it if you grabbed it and shared it on your site. And if you have one you would like me to include on here, please let me know!

Happy Birthday, Jackson

Dear Jackson,

A year ago today I said hello and goodbye to you all within a 24 hour period. You were the most wonderful thing I ever held in my arms, and I'll never forget how that felt. I'll never forget how beautiful you were and how peaceful you looked. If I could, I would have held you forever. And there's not a day that goes by that I miss you any less.

It hurts beyond words how much your daddy and I wish you were here with us to celebrate. I wish I could see you get messy trying to eat some birthday cake. I wish I could watch you open presents and delight in new toys.

I want you to know Jackson, that we are celebrating your life and the happiness you brought us when you were with us. I'll never forget how it felt to you have you kicking around inside of me --- and sometimes it is those happy moments I think about that keep me going.

We will be eating birthday cake today, and as hard as it is, trying to have a fun day honoring you.

I do know this. I do know you are happy where you are, and I try to imagine the party I hope the angels are throwing for you today. Someday, you will have to tell me all about it.

So, to my beautiful boy, happy 1st birthday!

I love you,
Mom

Remembering with a wave of light

I think it's wonderful October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I'm glad there is a whole month dedicated to it. The problem, of course, is getting the word out. A year ago, I had no idea there was a month dedicated to this. How would I know? But I think more and more parents affected by a loss are trying their hardest to not let it slide by or be overshadowed.

Friday, Oct. 15 has been dedicated as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. It is on this day grieving parents, families and friends come together to create a wave of light across the nation and the world. In order to do this, please light a candle (in whatever time zone you may be) from 7 to 8 p.m. to remember our babies. Check out www.october15th.com --- they have great information on what this day means. I would definitely check out the video of the House of Representatives discussing this day.

Of course, there are many different ways to remember your baby this month. Brent and I had the privilege of participating in a Walk to Remember last weekend at Clement Park. It was amazing how many people were there -- parents who lost children, and those just willing to show up to support their loved ones. It included a ceremony where each baby's name was read and a balloon was released in there honor. Quite emotional, but wonderful to do. We also received "awareness" bracelets from the organization. Brent and I have committed ourselves to wearing the bracelets everyday for the month of October. And last night, we actually had someone ask us about them! How happy I was to be able to share and educate.

Also, it is not too late to add your face to www.iamtheface.org. They have even included a place for dads to add their photo.


How are you honoring your baby this month? I would love to hear from you! And don't forget to join us in the wave of light on Oct. 15.

Brent and I at Walk to Remember

Some of the balloons released in memory of our babies

Jackson's name in the Walk to Remember program

Fighting a taboo subject

Before Jackson ever died, I never really thought about stillbirth or heard about it much either. I thought it was something that happened more 100-plus years ago, and a very, very rare occurrence today.

Although it is still considered very "rare" it happens more often than you think, unfortunately. However, the subject is still so taboo that if it never affects you, I doubt you are ever going to really give it a second thought. 

But here I am in a world I never thought I would be a part of -- an elite club of mothers and fathers fighting this taboo subject and stuck with the grief and misery of losing a child. I have met some amazing, strong people through this "club" -- online and in person. I am so grateful that they are a part of my life now. Frankly, I don't think I could have survived without these people's support.

I have also come across many people I don't know personally who are also fighting to get people talking more about stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss. I am so amazed at how strong we all are -- all of us who are willing to stand up and get this taboo subject out in the open.

In the almost year since we have lost Jackson, I have come across so many new resources out there, mainly started by mothers who have lost a baby. Just like what I hope to accomplish with my Knits of Grief project, these women are putting their hearts and souls out there in hopes to comfort other grieving families.

I would like to share a few of these resources with you today. They will also be included on my "Resources" page.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope:

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope was created by a woman who suffered a stillbirth this past May. She had the idea to put our stories on to one site, and it has taken off in leaps and bounds. Women (and men) are encouraged to submit their story of loss so we can connect with one another and know we are not alone. I recently submitted my story to the site, and you can find it by clicking here (although it is the same one I have posted on this site).

Molly Bears:

Molly Bears was also started by a mother who also lost her baby, Molly, this past May. She buys shells of teddy bears and stuffs them to the weight of your baby free of charge. This way, you can hold a bear the same weight as your baby. What a unique and cool idea! I know they are looking for donations, so any help you can give, I am sure they would appreciate!

October 15 is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. And the month of October has also been declared as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. There are many things you can do during the month to recognize your babies (which I will blog about once October hits), but for now there are a couple of things I would like to mention. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope has also started a campaign to recognize the day, and raise donations to keep their Web site going. You can learn more at www.iamtheface.org. Brent and I will also be participating in a Remembrance Walk on Oct. 9 at a local park put on by A Walk to Remember, an organization dedicated to providing support resources for bereaved parents. You can find more information at www.walktoremember.org.

So please, join with me in the movement and help make stillbirth, infant loss and miscarriage a non-taboo subject.

Death, Life and Hope

A few weeks ago, my grandfather, Richard Jackson Felix, passed away. It wasn't completely unexpected, but it is still hard sometimes. He was definitely a fighter -- defying death several times in his life, actually. He was shot in World War II and earned himself a purple heart. He even was ran over by a cement truck. Ouch!

Despite these things, he recovered, and lived a full life. I always admired the relationship he had with my grandma. I could always tell how much fun they had together on all their traveling and they always seemed liked the best friends in the world to each other. I'm so glad I was able to have that influence in my life.

I was lucky enough to visit my grandpa in early July. It was a bit tough, as I knew it would probably be the last time I would see him, but I'm so, so glad I got to spend those precious hours with him, hug him, kiss him and let him know how much he is loved.

His death has made me again ponder how precious and brief life can be. No matter if it is only 38 weeks (as long as Jackson lived) or 85-plus years like my grandpa's life, it never seems long enough. We always want these people to be here with us longer. And when they are taken from us, it just seems unfair.

However, I have a little bit of hope for life. A little bit of hope for my life and the new precious life that is growing in me right now. I have three more months until I will hold this precious girl in my arms and hopefully hear her cry. Some days I feel like I know this will happen. That this little life will make it. But I don't take any of it for granted -- not one day, because each day is precious.

I recently finished a book titled "Holding on to Hope," by Nancy Guthrie. Nancy lost not one, but two babies to Zellweger Syndrome. I can't imagine going through something like this twice, but her book gave me comfort and hope. Her daughter, named Hope, inspired her to write the book. One thing really stuck with me -- that one of our responses to God should be gratitude, even during the times of suffering. "You see, Hope was a gift. And the appropriate response to a gift is gratitude."

How grateful I am for the gift of my grandpa and the 29 years I was lucky enough to have him here on Earth. How lucky am I that I can say I am Jackson's mom. No one else can say that. He was beautiful and perfect and I am so thankful for the time I got to know him while he was in my womb. And I feel so blessed knowing that I am falling in love again with my second child -- the same kind of love I feel for Jackson.

And so this does leave me with some hope. Hope that when my grandpa arrived in his heavenly home he was overjoyed to meet Jackson, and that Jackson now has another grandpa with him there (and thrilled to discover they share part of the same name!). Hope that this little life growing inside of me is here for a purpose, and will bring Brent and I an incredible joy I have yet to experience.

So please, be grateful for the ones you have with you now and the ones that may have passed on.

"But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God." (Psalm 50:23).

My last moments with my grandpa

Beautiful Boy

When Jackson was handed to me after I gave birth to him, I was overcome with how beautiful he was. I knew he would be cute, but I wasn't expecting the amazing beauty that was in front of me. He was more perfect and adorable then I ever could imagined.

The song "Beautiful Boy" by Jon Lennon immediately popped into my head. Every time I held him, looked at him, traced my fingers along the outline of his face .... all I could do was hum that song. How beautiful he was!

After we arrived home from the hospital and started planning his funeral, I knew the song had to be a part of it. I knew it would be emotional for some, but as his mother, I wanted the song to be a part of the service.

Within two days, a wonderful woman from our church volunteered and put together an incredible video of pictures to play the song to. I could have never put something like this together at the time, so her efforts are greatly appreciated! I know it sounds weird to have a "favorite" part of the funeral, but watching the video and hearing the song was mine.

I'd like to share that video with you. I know many of my friends and relatives have seen the video already, but I'm ready to share it with the rest of the world too. Not only did the video and song hold special meaning at the funeral, it has come to mean a lot to my husband and me. It still brings us sadness, but some comfort along the way too. The song will always remind me of Jackson, and I am so glad I have this little video to treasure.

You may view it here: http://www.vimeo.com/7735602

I hope, pray and wish that you never have to plan your baby's funeral. If you do find yourself in this situation right now, do what your instincts tell you. Trust in them. Don't worry what anyone else thinks or says. Even though its so stressful and exhausting, it is one thing we can plan and put together for our child. If you have a unique idea, a special song or certain activity you want to do, do it. You won't regret it. I promise. And please, don't feel bad asking for help in this situation. Recruit your friends and family to do all the work for you. As in my experience, they would be glad to help in anyway they can!

Nine months

I've been a bit MIA recently -- I was busy getting ready for our two-week Western road trip and then on the road for two weeks! It was a much-needed vacation for both Brent and I and we were happy just to spend some quality time together.

Since I didn't want anything to happen to the current blanket I am knitting, I left it at home. So, again it is slowly coming along, and I do really hope to have it done in less than a month. Several of you out there are knitting along with me, which keeps me so much more motivated for this mission and lets me know that I am doing something good here. Once I get my blanket done, I do want to make my first (finally!) donation to a hospital. I am also working on designing a postcard to keep with the blanket, letting the families know about the Web site and mission of Knits of Grief. I've been a bit frustrated designing the postcard, mainly because I want it to be perfect, but I know it will get there eventually!

On July 19, Jackson would have been nine months old. Its always a bit hard every time the 19th of the month rolls around. It means one more month has passed since Brent and I got to hold our precious baby boy, and one more month of wondering what his first year would be like. We wonder so much what he would look like now compared to his newborn pictures, what his personality would be like, how active he would be crawling -- and probably by now pulling himself up on lots of things and slowly figuring out how to walk.

Although this can sometimes bring me a new wave of grief and sadness, I can think of Jackson now and smile a bit.  He was beautiful, and Brent and I both felt like we got to know him in the short 38 weeks he was with us here on Earth. And I wouldn't give that time up with him for anything.

If you have recently suffered a loss of your own, your pain is probably completely raw and incomprehensible. Please hang in there, and know at one time or another you will be able to look at the time you spent with your baby and smile -- just a little bit -- too.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers and grandfathers out there. Whether you are blessed to be a dad to an angel in heaven or blessed to have children here on Earth, I believe the connection fathers have to their children can never be denied. I see it in my husband everyday. Jackson means the world to him, and I know he always will.

A father's grief is just as tough as a mother's grief. So today I ask you to remember the dads who have lost children and say a little prayer for them.

I have two links I would like to bring your attention to. Recently, Brent came across a blog titled "A Blog for Father's When a Baby Dies." Brent has really enjoyed reading this, and I hope it can be a resource to other dads going through the same thing. The author of the blog lost his daughter 20 years ago to stillbirth, but it is obvious the pain of missing her is still there. Especially check out his entry from April 26 where he talks about Father's and Mother's days. I will also be adding this blog to my resource page.

Although it sounds weird, I was pleased to open the paper today to The Denver Post and see an article about dads who have outlived their children. Although the article speaks of dads who lost children when they were older, I was still happy to see The Denver Post thought to acknowledge men who have suffered a loss on Father's Day. I encourage you to check out "For dads who outlive kids, Father's Day is bittersweet."

And finally, I would like to include a poem for the dads:

My daddy is survivor too... 

My daddy is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my daddy each day to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone, and wishes he could understand.
My daddy is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's OK.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor... And, I can still feel his love.
~Author unknown

Happy Father's Day!

Quotes to live by

May flew by for me. Mainly because I wasn't home. I got to go to Indiana to see family, turned 29, went to sunny San Diego for a nice little vacation with Brent, and then took our boat to Truman Lake in Missouri and had a fun time there hanging out with my brother-in-law Eric. All these distractions were great, but left me little time to knit as much as I wanted. But now that I am home, I am back into the routine of knitting a bit everyday.

Two quotes have been sticking with me a lot lately and I thought I would share them and what they mean to me.

"You never know what kind of pain people are walking around with."
~Nate Berkus

A few months after Jackson died, I was watching "The Oprah Show." Nate Berkus, an interior designer and a regular on the show, was helping a family on the episode babysit and clean up their house. Anyway, Nate was in Thailand when the Tsunami hit in 2004. Nate survived, but his partner, Fernando Bengoechea, did not. During the show, Oprah asked how he was doing and what he's learned 5 years after the tragedy. Nate said something to the effect of "You never know what kind of pain people are walking around with." This quote has stuck with me ever since watching the show. How true this is. When you start to think about it, most people have been through something difficult in their lives -- whether it is a loss, abuse, illness, tough economic times, etc ... -- life is hard. Probably when you first meet someone (or even meeting someone after several times) you probably have no idea what they have been through. On the outside, they can smile, laugh, make small talk and seem fine, but you never know what someone might be really feeling. This has given me even more reason to be nice to anyone I meet. I've always tried to do this, but now that I've been through what I have this rings true more than ever. I want to encourage you to do the same. So when you're out in the world, always remember "you never know what kind of pain people are walking around with."

"Do not worry about the things you cannot control."
~Laurie Wood

Laurie is in my support group. It is possible she may not even realize she said this, but last month when we got together, she did -- and it has stuck with me. Another mantra I try to tell myself every day. Mainly because I need too. Since Jackson's death, my worry and anxiety levels have been a lot higher. I don't know if they will stay this way for the rest of my life, but telling myself not to worry about the things I cannot control has been helpful. I wish I could have prevented Jackson from dying, but I couldn't. And I know I cannot control lots of things, but boy would I like too! Anyway, Laurie, thank you for saying this to me. It has been so helpful for me to repeat this daily!

If you have any quotes you would like to share, I would love to hear them. I am always looking for good quotes/sayings to add to my page! And, as always, thanks for the support.

Jackson's tree dedication, Mother's day

I apologize for the delay in posts, but all last week I was in Indianapolis/Louisville visiting family. It was so nice to see everyone, and I especially enjoyed the time I got to spend in Louisville with my brother, sister-in-law and my cute nephew Owen. Owen and Jackson were to only be about three months apart. Although it saddens me they cannot play together, I am so happy Owen is here, and he made his aunt feel very loved! We had a lot of fun going to the zoo, taking walks and all-around playing.

 Dinner downtown Louisville

(From left: Audrey, Owen, Nathan and me)

The trip also held something very special. On May 2, we dedicated a tree in memory of Jackson at my parents' and in-laws' church in Indianapolis. I was so impressed with all the family and friends who were willing to come out, stand in the rain (and mud!) and help us remember our precious son. Brent and I took a lot of time to plan the little ceremony, and I think it turned out quite well. Although Brent couldn't be there, he was able to record "Grace Like Rain" (the song we planned to use at Jackson's baptism) and "Lullaby" (the special song Brent wrote for Jackson after his death) and play them during the dedication. I think "Lullaby" definitely had a special impact on all who were there, and we were glad we got to share the special song. One of my favorite parts of the ceremony was when everyone mixed in some soil at the bottom of the tree to help it grow. I feel like everyone put a little bit of their love into the tree and showed their love for Jackson by doing that simple act. The tree has very quickly become something very special for us. I am excited to watch it grow strong. The tree is also near the church's school and playground, so children will pass it everyday. I wouldn't want it any other way. We are happy the tree is near many of our relatives so they can easily visit it as they wish.

 Listening to "Lullaby"

(From left: Me, Grandma Joyce, Grandpa Larry, Grandpa Dave, Grandma Joellen)

Part of the crowd

Top: Grandmas placing the plaque. Above: Jackson's plaque.

 The whole tree

Mixing nuturing soil into the tree

I also want to thank everyone who sent kind thoughts and prayers to us on Mother's Day. The day was obviously not what we were expecting it to be this year, and there were some emotional moments. However, Brent made it still very special for me. He made me blueberry waffles for breakfast (Yum!) and suprised me with a wonderful gift -- a beautiful mug with my favorite pictures of Jackson printed on it. We spent the afternoon on our boat relaxing, reading and enjoying each other's company, and ended the day by going out to dinner. Thanks again, husband, for being so wonderful! 

My Mother's Day gift

My second blanket is also coming along. Although I try to work on it a bit every day, I wish it would come together faster! I am getting anxious to finally be able to make my first donation, and after I finish this one, I hope to be able to do that. I guess I have to remember these things take time, and I do want it to turn out as nice as possible!

Making strides

Last Saturday I participated in the Walk For Babies downtown Denver. I was really impressed with how many people showed up. I think the announcers said close to 5,000. I was not expecting that many people, and it warmed my heart to see how many actually care about the cause The March of Dimes helps fight. No one seemed deterred by the rainy, could weather either. I completed all 5 miles without any hiccups and wore my "I walk for Jackson" sticker proudly!

This weekend I am headed to Indiana. I, along with some other friends and family will be dedicating a tree in honor of Jackson at my parents' and Brent's parents' church. We wanted to leave some kind of little legacy for Jackson and, conveniently, our parents go to the same church, so we thought it would be a neat place to have the tree. The church recently built a new building on different property, so it was a great opportunity to pick out a baby tree to watch grow. The tree is near the church's school and playground, so children will pass it everyday. I am so excited that I will be in town for the ceremony. Brent will still be in Colorado, but his presence there will definitely be known. He recorded a song that he wrote for Jackson, and we plan on playing it there. If you are in the area and interested in attending, the ceremony will be held May 2 after the 10:45 a.m. service (around noon) at Our Shepherd Lutheran Church, 9201 East County Road 100 North, Avon, IN, 46123. My parents are planning a luncheon at their house after.

My second blanket is slowly making strides. I had a big oops last week when I accidentally dropped the knitting on the floor and a bunch of stitches slipped off the needle. I tried really hard to save it, but in the end I ended up redoing the whole thing. Luckily I wasn't too far along, and feel like I'm getting somewhere now. My great mother-in-law informed me of a little stopper to put on the end of the needle so this doesn't happen again. You learn as you go I guess! I seem to be on a track record -- I started my first blanket over too. Oh well. Second time was a charm with the first, and I hope that rings true for this one too. And for all you knitters who are knitting along with me, I will never be able to thank you enough and want to tell you to keep it up! I can't wait to have a couple of blankets in hand to be able to make my first donation.

Six months

Today marks the six-month anniversary of giving birth to Jackson. In some ways it feels like an eternity and in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday. I'll never forget the way it felt to hold him and see how absolutely beautiful and perfect he was.

I know its only a date, but today is a hard day. Brent and I can't help but wonder what he would be like now, what he would be doing and how far along he would have come in his development --- rolling over, sitting up, maybe even giving some thought to crawling. We miss him more than words can describe, and I know that will never change.


We've made some big strides though. Its been a long road and quite the learning experience, but the initial pain has gotten easier.  I am so happy winter is finally over. I think it was the longest winter of my life. The start of spring has given me more of a feeling of a fresh start and renewed sense of hope. This picture was made for us by another angel mommy a couple of weeks ago, and for me it couldn't have come at a better time -- a beautiful picture of spring flowers and butterflies. It feels like a nice breath of fresh of air with Jackson as a huge part of it.

All the support we've had through the past six months has meant everything. I know Brent and I wouldn't be where we are today with out it. I feel blessed to have met so many other angel families going through the same thing. All of them amaze me at how strong they are. Of course, I have to give a special shout out to our support-group couples. They are an awesome group of people and even though what brought us together is nothing we would have ever wished for, I'm glad they have been along with us on this journey.

Unfortunately our out-of-town plans for next weekend have been postponed. But on a good note about that I will be walking in the March for Babies. The team I will be walking with was formed by Angela Donaldson, our amazing Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer. She lost her beautiful baby Ethan in 2008, so we will be walking in memory of him, Jackson and all angel babies. Angela designed T-shirts for the team, and was kind enough to include Jackson's name on the back. It's still not too late to donate or sign up for a walk near you. If you would like to donate to Angela's team, click here. Hopefully next week I will have a wonderful story to share about the event!

Blanket No. 1 finished and March for Babies

I finally finished my first blanket yesterday, which made me happy. No stitches dropped, I figured out how to bind off the needles OK and was even able to add fringe to it for a finishing touch. All in all, I am happy it turned out well, and hope one day it will bring some comfort to a family.

I've really been inspired by this project -- and by knitting in general. Knitting seems to be a good way to release emotions -- weather happy, sad, anxious, depressed, its been a comfort to pick up the needles and go for it! I've already started on my second blanket. Since I did blue this time, I opted to start on a pink one. And thanks to my awesome sister-in-law Audrey, I have a beautifully soft yarn to make it with. Also, please don't be surprised if you see Winnie-the-Pooh sitting in a lot of my pictures. Jackson's nursery is decorated in classic Winnie-the-Pooh, so the little guy means a lot to me!

I love the fact that I have some willing knitters to knit along with me or others who have offered some wonderful donations. Thank you again for your willingness to take this project on. I know we will reach many people by doing this. I still have so many ideas swirling around in my head for this, and as I said, I'm excited to see where this will continue to go. After I have a couple blankets ready, I will plan on making my first donation.

With this blog, I also plan on getting the word out about other happenings in the news, other nonprofits, etc ... supporting the prevention of pregnancy, stillbirth and infant loss. The March for Babies (aka March of Dimes) walks are quickly approaching. I know the one in Denver takes place April 24 in Civic Center Park. Registration begins at 8 a.m. I think a lot of the walks are on that same date or around the same date all over the country. The organization's mission is to prevent birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality.  So if you feel like getting a little exercise and supporting a great cause, I encourage you to check out the walk in your area. Just go to www.marchforbabies.org, type in your ZIP code and you will be able to see a list of walks, dates and times. Unfortunately, Brent and I will be out of town for the Denver one, but we were able to donate a bit to a friend's team.

One side note about this organization is that when I first got married and moved to Denver, I worked at a day care for about a year. The day care was a big supporter of the March of Dimes, but I honestly didn't give it a second thought. Some of the workers and parents participated in the walk that year, but I opted not to. Now, in retrospect, obviously I wish I had. Obviously I view these causes a lot differently now. Not once in a million years did I ever think something like this would happen to me. That an organization like this would mean so much to me. Or how many people this kind of thing affects. I guess you never know where the life journey will take you.

Thanks and Star Legacy Foundation cookbooks

I want to thank everyone who has shown me support with this Web site/blog. It has been happily overwhelming and I cannot express how much that means to me. It really helps me validate that I am doing something good here, and I can reach people's lives through this effort.

I am so excited for everyone who has offered their help too. I am so thankful for all of you. Some of you have even offered to knit your own blankets for this cause, donate yarn, etc.... In fact, a friend of mine is coming over tonight so I can teach her to knit. I hope I can do that! This is all so exciting for both Brent and me. We definitely welcome the continued support!

My first blanket is still coming along. I hope to be done with it in the next couple of days -- at least by the end of this week. I will also be making up some kind of business-like card I can pin to the blankets so the families can find this Web site too.

On another note, the Star Legacy Foundation -- an organization dedicated to research and education to prevent stillbirth -- is selling cookbooks to raise funds. I encourage you to consider buying one to support their cause. I even submitted my own recipe in honor of Jackson, so be on the lookout for that if you decide to order one! The cookbooks are due out in May, but you can pre-order your own now. Just click here to get all the info on it.

Welcome

Welcome to my Web/site and blog. I am so happy you are taking the time to check out this little project of mine and support me in this endeavor.

I've been working on this site now for the last several weeks, and trying to get it "just so." It has really taken a lot of time and effort, and it is something that I want to be proud of, and especially, reach people with. It is not quite where I want it to be, but I know that it will get there and I feel comfortable enough with it now to put it out there. I have all the pages up I was planning on for now -- the information on them are not quite complete (I still have a lot of things I need to add), but I know I can slowly keep at it.  I am still playing around with the design, and hope to improve the pages' look and feel.

Honestly, I don't really know how I came up with this idea. At some point in the past couple of months I realized I needed some kind of creative outlet for my grief. However, I knew I wanted my outlet to be something that could make a bit of an impact, and help people who have suffered (or will suffer) the same kind of loss that I have. When we were in the hospital, every little act of kindness meant everything. Every little gift, no matter how small, brought us a bit of comfort. Thanks to many people we know, did not know and know now and those we have never met, we have lots of mementos we can remember Jackson with. I tried to think of something that I could contribute to families of stillborn babies while they are still in the hospital, thus, for some reason, knitting baby blankets came to mind. There is nothing better than wrapping up in a nice, cozy warm blanket. I always feel more comforted, warm and peaceful. Every blanket we got for Jackson I was so excited to use. I imagined swaddling him in them, laying them on the floor so he could play on them and mostly just snuggling with him in my arms. We kept the Winnie-the-Pooh receiving blanket we had Jackson wrapped up in while in the hospital, and I still hold it almost everyday. 

A few years ago, I tried to pick up knitting. I pretty much taught myself, with a few tips from my mother-in-law. Unfotunately, I never got past scarves and at some point put the needles down. I thought knitting would be a somewhat comforting thing -- it doesn't take a lot of energy and I can pretty much do it whenever. Once I came up with the idea, I wanted to get started right away. I felt (and still feel) I didn't have the patience to take a class, learn a pattern, etc ... so for my first blanket, I just started knitting away. I made my best guess on how many stitches to cast on, and went on my way. I dropped a few stitches with my first attempt, and ended up undoing the whole thing. I went out and bought some longer needles, and the second try has been going much, much better. I estimate I am just over halfway on blanket No. 1. There's nothing fancy to it. Maybe as time goes on my blankets will get a little fancier, but I really just want something to bring a little bit of comfort to a family. I am trying to aim for receiving-blanket size.