Friday, July 30, 2010

Beautiful Boy

When Jackson was handed to me after I gave birth to him, I was overcome with how beautiful he was. I knew he would be cute, but I wasn't expecting the amazing beauty that was in front of me. He was more perfect and adorable then I ever could imagined.

The song "Beautiful Boy" by Jon Lennon immediately popped into my head. Every time I held him, looked at him, traced my fingers along the outline of his face .... all I could do was hum that song. How beautiful he was!

After we arrived home from the hospital and started planning his funeral, I knew the song had to be a part of it. I knew it would be emotional for some, but as his mother, I wanted the song to be a part of the service.

Within two days, a wonderful woman from our church volunteered and put together an incredible video of pictures to play the song to. I could have never put something like this together at the time, so her efforts are greatly appreciated! I know it sounds weird to have a "favorite" part of the funeral, but watching the video and hearing the song was mine.

I'd like to share that video with you. I know many of my friends and relatives have seen the video already, but I'm ready to share it with the rest of the world too. Not only did the video and song hold special meaning at the funeral, it has come to mean a lot to my husband and me. It still brings us sadness, but some comfort along the way too. The song will always remind me of Jackson, and I am so glad I have this little video to treasure.

You may view it here:

I hope, pray and wish that you never have to plan your baby's funeral. If you do find yourself in this situation right now, do what your instincts tell you. Trust in them. Don't worry what anyone else thinks or says. Even though its so stressful and exhausting, it is one thing we can plan and put together for our child. If you have a unique idea, a special song or certain activity you want to do, do it. You won't regret it. I promise. And please, don't feel bad asking for help in this situation. Recruit your friends and family to do all the work for you. As in my experience, they would be glad to help in anyway they can!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Nine months

I've been a bit MIA recently -- I was busy getting ready for our two-week Western road trip and then on the road for two weeks! It was a much-needed vacation for both Brent and I and we were happy just to spend some quality time together.

Since I didn't want anything to happen to the current blanket I am knitting, I left it at home. So, again it is slowly coming along, and I do really hope to have it done in less than a month. Several of you out there are knitting along with me, which keeps me so much more motivated for this mission and lets me know that I am doing something good here. Once I get my blanket done, I do want to make my first (finally!) donation to a hospital. I am also working on designing a postcard to keep with the blanket, letting the families know about the Web site and mission of Knits of Grief. I've been a bit frustrated designing the postcard, mainly because I want it to be perfect, but I know it will get there eventually!

On July 19, Jackson would have been nine months old. Its always a bit hard every time the 19th of the month rolls around. It means one more month has passed since Brent and I got to hold our precious baby boy, and one more month of wondering what his first year would be like. We wonder so much what he would look like now compared to his newborn pictures, what his personality would be like, how active he would be crawling -- and probably by now pulling himself up on lots of things and slowly figuring out how to walk.

Although this can sometimes bring me a new wave of grief and sadness, I can think of Jackson now and smile a bit.  He was beautiful, and Brent and I both felt like we got to know him in the short 38 weeks he was with us here on Earth. And I wouldn't give that time up with him for anything.

If you have recently suffered a loss of your own, your pain is probably completely raw and incomprehensible. Please hang in there, and know at one time or another you will be able to look at the time you spent with your baby and smile -- just a little bit -- too.