Heaven

Ever since I lost Jackson, I think about heaven everyday. Over time it has manifested many different ways in my mind .... at first I struggled with my faith a lot. Why would God take my baby away from me in the first place? What did I do to deserve this? Was there even a heaven? And if so, how do I know Jackson is there? At other times, the only thing that would bring me comfort was the thought and hope that he was there.

Thanks to a lot of help from Brent, family, friends and some counseling with others, my faith has been restored and I have no doubt that Jackson is safely in Jesus' arms.  Now I think about him in heaven in different ways. Mostly what he is doing at the moment ... Singing, perhaps? Praising God? Playing with other babies gone too soon? Hanging out with some of his great grandparents and other relatives who have already joined him there? (I like to think they are looking out for him).

I also wonder what he looks like. Is he still a baby? I usually imagine him as my little newborn baby in the cute outfit we had him in, but able to talk, play and do whatever he wants. Brent has mentioned to me maybe he is a grown man or teenager. Or maybe he can just be whatever age he wants to be. I don't know ... I kind of hope when I get to heaven I will be able to see him in all these stages, though.

It's silly, but sometimes I imagine him with these beautiful angel wings... and sometimes I imagine him without wings and he's able to fly around wherever he wants anyway.

I like to think what a wonderful big brother he is. How he is keeping a close watch on his little sister here on Earth. I believe they already have a special connection.

I like to think about how happy he is. I like to think about how he never has to experience any pain, grief, hatred and the trials of this world.

I miss him terribly, and of course I still wish he was here with me. I know it's selfish, but I still want him here. But I guess if he has to be in heaven, there's no better place. He's in Paradise, and it brings me comfort.

A piece of Heaven shinning down on us, taken on Jackson's first birthday
October 19, 2010

Our sweet angel, Jackson