No matter. I'm writing now, and that's what counts. I was going to write on a completely different topic, but I'll save it for next time, because it's not what on my heart or mind right now -- or physically what my body is feeling.
Two nights ago I was feeding my beautiful rainbow baby before her bedtime and my arms and chest began to ache. I mean really ache. The physical pain made my breath stop short. Here I was holding my beautiful, precious baby, yet I was overcome with grief. I suddenly realized I wished so terribly bad I was holding Jackson in my arms too.
My mind suddenly took me back to the one night I had in the hospital with Jackson. How it felt to hold him. How I snuggled with him most of the night. How it felt to have is soft cheek lay on my chest and cry into his beautiful soft hair. How his little hands were curled up, but we could still slip our fingers inside his.
Sounds crazy, but sometimes I wish I could back to that night in the hospital just so I could hold him a little bit longer, a little bit tighter.
This isn't the first time I've felt this ache ... it comes and goes. Sometimes it comes more often than others, and its seems like for the past few days its been here to stay. I realize this ache is something I will deal with the rest of my life. There's not much I can do about it. It is what it is. I am grateful I do have the memory of holding him, and I know I will never, ever forget what it felt like. I don't want to, either.
Holding your children is the most incredible feeling .... even if the ones here on Earth are screaming at 2 a.m. They're still just a precious little miracle. So please, hold your children as tight as you can, even if the time you have with them is brief. You won't regret it and the memory will linger on forever.
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| Holding our baby Jackson tight. |
Rebecca, It's not crazy that you wish you could go back in time, and it's not unrealistic that you will feel Jackson's loss forever. I still ache for the baby I lost in my first pregnancy. That baby was only 3 months, so I didn't have any opportunities to hold him (her?). These babies were a product of love whose lives were taken tragically too early. There is no answer, at least that we can know of now. Maybe our answers will come when we reach our eternal lives. In the mean time, take comfort in knowing that you handled Jackson's death in the way that was the most absolute perfect way for you and Brent. You continue to honor his short life, without taking anything away from Eva. These are all tributes to you as a parent. Hang in there. Recognize that missing Jackson will never go away, and take those moments for what they are~ a time to remember a perfect little angel.
ReplyDeletei adore you. i adore your heart no matter how much it aches. as you wrote i pictured what Jackson would look like now. what you would look like holding him in your arms. boy your arms would be so full! with 2 beautiful squirming babies...I like to picture he would be a cuddly little guy since Eva is such a busy body who wants to get down and explore! i know it hurts but i hope our arms always ache for out babies the rest of our lives. i hope to never forget that feeling. EVER. love you!
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