Time

Two-and-half months after Jackson died, Brent and I bought a Wii for a little pick-me-up. We thought some Guitar Hero would be fun and I wanted the Wii Fit workout. I finally was becoming a bit more motivated to lose some baby pounds.

In the past few months, I haven't been using the Wii Fit as much (mainly due to taking care of my baby girl), but the other day I turned it on. The Wii Fit always tells you how many days it has been since you started using it (basically from the day you first start it). It said something to the effect of "This is your 466th day."

Wow, I thought, I couldn't believe that much time has passed. Jackson's first birthday was last October. And obviously I know 365 days had passed then since when I got to hold him, but I never put it in this perspective before.

Time has passed, and it keeps passing. In some ways it feels like it was forever ago, in other ways it still feels like yesterday. There's no doubt last year was the worse year of my life; I can say that with absolute certainty. There was a part of me that was very happy when his first birthday finally arrived. I felt like I could finally start fresh, and better things were in store for Brent and me.

So far this year has been full of blessings and I can't thank God enough. Good days finally outnumber the bad -- and it makes life much more pleasant.

I guess what I'm saying is life goes on. I don't know if that's good or bad, but it just does. Sometimes I worry the more time that passes the further away I will be from Jackson. I know that's not really true, but everyday I wish I could go back in time and hold him just a little bit longer, kiss him again and look at his beautiful face.

I'm thankful for the healing that has taken place during the time that has passed. I've learned and dealt with a lot of things. I'm a different person now too (hopefully a more mature, better one at that).

I'm not saying "time heals all wounds." In fact, I really loathe that phrase now. I would say time helps you deal with what life gives you. You learn a lot, you go through some tough, tough stuff. When something challenging is happening in my life, I always remind myself this is only for a time and it will pass -- eventually.

I know the wound of losing my son will never be completely healed. That's OK. I don't expect it to be. It's a big part of who I am and my life story. I will continue to have days where I grieve for him. But I'm learning to go through life carrying that wound and I can still have many happy, happy days.

"Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again 

and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy." 
John 16:22