Happy 3rd Birthday, Jackson!

Dear Jackson,

Today marks your third birthday in Heaven. And guess what? I still miss you like crazy. I still wish you were here with us. I keep thinking your birthday will keep getting easier as the years go by, but I still feel very sad today and an aching that has consumed my whole body. It was such a hard day. I'm so glad I got to meet you though and hold you through the night. I'll never forget how it felt. Never.

I know I do have a lot to be thankful for and happy about. Your sister is growing quickly -- I can't believe she will be two next month! And I also want to thank you for giving us your brother this July. He's so beautiful and fun -- not to mention how much he looks like you. You guys have the same gorgeous hair. I just think it's super cool. I'm so grateful they have such a wonderful big brother watching over them from Heaven. Maybe that's why I had you -- to give your siblings and extra-special guardian angel.

We went on a little hike again this morning. It seems to be our tradition to do on your birthday. It's always fun to get out in God's creation, get some much needed fresh air and look at the beautiful fall colors. It was a little shorter this year due to your siblings, but it was still good.

I always wonder what  you do to celebrate. I always imagine you get to eat the most yummy cake and have a choir of angels sing you happy birthday. I also bet you get to play with all your little friends too.

Whatever you are doing, I'm certain you are perfectly happy. I just want you to know how much I still miss you -- how much your family misses you. There will always be a part of my heart that belongs to you and you only. I love you!

XOXO,
Mommy

Jackson's Urn

If there was a fire in my home there are a few prized possessions I would want to make sure I had. My daughter and husband would be number one of course, dog, wedding ring, our computer's hard drive so we would have all our family photos and Jackson's urn.

It's one of the most precious things I own. I think it's beautiful. Maybe its weird to some people that we keep an urn with our dead son's remains on display in our house, but I don't really care what others think. I don't think people even really know what it is anyway; it just looks like a fancy decoration. And it's my way of feeling like my son is still near me, and no matter where our family goes, he can come too.

Never in a million years would I have thought I would be picking out an urn for my child. It was the furthest thought from my mind the days before he died. All I cared about was making sure the nursery was perfect and everything was ready for him to come home. Instead Brent and I found ourselves trying to plan a funeral and flipping through a catologue trying to pick out the perfect thing to keep our son's remains in.

Jackson's urn

In the midst of our grief though, we were completely blessed with how it all came together. Our pastor recommended a little funeral home to us in Golden where the owner cremates babies for free. All we had to do was pay for the urn. The owner even came to Jackson's memorial service and he told us how beautiful Jackson looked and how cute his outfit was we had put on him when the owner picked up Jackson from the hospital. We gave him one other blanket to send with Jackson too -- a classic Winnie the Pooh one to go with the theme in his nursery (we kept the one we had wrapped him up in the hospital).

A week later, his ashes and urn were ready. I remember how nervous and scared I felt driving over the the funeral home. I just had no idea how I would react. Again, we were warmly welcomed by the owner of the home. We paid for the urn. The owner had the urn sitting on the altar in the chapel. Brent and I held hands and we walked up to it, then we both broke down and cried. It was nice though, and the urn was beautiful. But this day, I was also FINALLY bringing my baby home. 

At the beginning of our grief, I did some crazy things with that urn. I would swaddle it in a blanket and rock it. I would just lay on the couch while watching TV and cuddle with it. I would hold it while I prayed. And now a little over two years later, I don't really do any of these things anymore with it, but I will still pick it up and give and squeeze and sometimes a kiss.

I'm so glad I have it. It helps me. I don't remember how much it cost, but to me it is priceless.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Jackson

Dear Jackson,

Today is your second heavenly birthday. As I write this, I sit here wondering what you are doing right now. What kind of birthday party they are throwing for you up in Heaven. I imagine all your other little baby angel friends are celebrating with you too. I hope they made one awesome cake for you!

Daddy and I can't help but wonder what you would be like right now. How much you would be talking, running around wild, tearing up the house -- and most of all how cute you would be.

I can't believe I've survived another year without you, but I did. Somedays are still incredibly hard. I miss you terribly and you are always just one thought away. I can't help but think about holding you again in the hospital -- what it was like to give birth to you. Daddy said you were very warm when you came out and you almost felt alive. I don't remember that, but daddy says I did a good job keeping you cozy.

You know the best thing that happened this year is your baby sister! I know you love her so much. Sometimes I can feel you watching over her. I'm so glad she has you as her guardian angel. She is even wearing her "Jackson's Little Sister" shirt today. We've shown her pictures of you, and she liked them. I think she saw the resemblance! I know in time she will know all about you, too.

We are doing our best to celebrate today. I baked you cake and tried to decorate it. I actually managed to write "Jackson" on it, along with a butterfly. (I still think of you every time I see a butterfly). And included some sprinkles. We may go for a nice fall walk, too. You brought the sun out today again, and Daddy and I are both grateful for that. We will take the time to look at your pictures, and right now daddy is playing the beautiful song he wrote for you on the guitar.

You will always be our beautiful boy. We miss you and can't wait to see you again someday. Have fun up there today!


XOXOXO,
Mommy

Aching

It feels good to finally sit down and write again. It seems like its been so long. I always have blog topics swimming around in my head and I never get to half of them. And by the time I get to writing -- well sometimes I forget what I was going to write about.

No matter. I'm writing now, and that's what counts. I was going to write on a completely different topic, but I'll save it for next time, because it's not what on my heart or mind right now -- or physically what my body is feeling.

Two nights ago I was feeding my beautiful rainbow baby before her bedtime and my arms and chest began to ache. I mean really ache. The physical pain made my breath stop short. Here I was holding my beautiful, precious baby, yet I was overcome with grief. I suddenly realized I wished so terribly bad I was holding Jackson in my arms too.

My mind suddenly took me back to the one night I had in the hospital with Jackson. How it felt to hold him. How I snuggled with him most of the night. How it felt to have is soft cheek lay on my chest and cry into his beautiful soft hair. How his little hands were curled up, but we could still slip our fingers inside his.

Sounds crazy, but sometimes I wish I could back to that night in the hospital just so I could hold him a little bit longer, a little bit tighter.

This isn't the first time I've felt this ache ... it comes and goes. Sometimes it comes more often than others, and its seems like for the past few days its been here to stay. I realize this ache is something I will deal with the rest of my life. There's not much I can do about it. It is what it is. I am grateful I do have the memory of holding him, and I know I will never, ever forget what it felt like. I don't want to, either.

Holding your children is the most incredible feeling .... even if the ones here on Earth are screaming at 2 a.m. They're still just a precious little miracle. So please, hold your children as tight as you can, even if the time you have with them is brief. You won't regret it and the memory will linger on forever.

Holding our baby Jackson tight.

Jackson's Tree -- one year later

Last May we dedicated a tree in honor of Jackson back in my husband's and my hometown in Indiana. I blogged about the dedication then, but I just recently got to go back and visit the tree again.  We planted the tree at the church our parents both attend and where Brent and I also met. I'm still happy with the choice of where we placed it. I think our parents really enjoy visiting it also.

I realize now how special this tree is to Brent and me -- a sign of continuing life. Even though Jackson's life was short on Earth, it is blooming eternally in Heaven. Hopefully the tree continues to grow strong. Unfortunately, the first one died and had to be replaced, but the new one seems to be doing well. If I lived there, I would probably go water it myself!

The visit to the tree was extra special this time because we got to bring our daughter Eva along. She seems to love nature and enjoyed pulling on the tree branches. She also loved exploring the plaque with her big brother's name on it. And when she is older, I hope it becomes a special place for her too.

It feels like a peaceful, quiet place. If I lived closer by, I could imagine myself sitting under it, praying, and enjoying the serenity of it all. I look forward to watching it grow in the years to come, someday providing lots of good shade and a place I can always go back to to remember my son.

Heaven

Ever since I lost Jackson, I think about heaven everyday. Over time it has manifested many different ways in my mind .... at first I struggled with my faith a lot. Why would God take my baby away from me in the first place? What did I do to deserve this? Was there even a heaven? And if so, how do I know Jackson is there? At other times, the only thing that would bring me comfort was the thought and hope that he was there.

Thanks to a lot of help from Brent, family, friends and some counseling with others, my faith has been restored and I have no doubt that Jackson is safely in Jesus' arms.  Now I think about him in heaven in different ways. Mostly what he is doing at the moment ... Singing, perhaps? Praising God? Playing with other babies gone too soon? Hanging out with some of his great grandparents and other relatives who have already joined him there? (I like to think they are looking out for him).

I also wonder what he looks like. Is he still a baby? I usually imagine him as my little newborn baby in the cute outfit we had him in, but able to talk, play and do whatever he wants. Brent has mentioned to me maybe he is a grown man or teenager. Or maybe he can just be whatever age he wants to be. I don't know ... I kind of hope when I get to heaven I will be able to see him in all these stages, though.

It's silly, but sometimes I imagine him with these beautiful angel wings... and sometimes I imagine him without wings and he's able to fly around wherever he wants anyway.

I like to think what a wonderful big brother he is. How he is keeping a close watch on his little sister here on Earth. I believe they already have a special connection.

I like to think about how happy he is. I like to think about how he never has to experience any pain, grief, hatred and the trials of this world.

I miss him terribly, and of course I still wish he was here with me. I know it's selfish, but I still want him here. But I guess if he has to be in heaven, there's no better place. He's in Paradise, and it brings me comfort.

A piece of Heaven shinning down on us, taken on Jackson's first birthday
October 19, 2010

Our sweet angel, Jackson

Holidays

So here I am -- a year-and-half out from loosing my son and already experiencing most of the holidays without him for a second time. This time around is a bit easier. I've had the strength to get out of bed this time, and even find some enjoyment out of the celebrations.

But the fact of the matter is there is always someone missing. There will always be the empty seat at the dinner table on Thanksgiving, presents I don't get to buy at Christmas, the one Easter basket I don't get to fill. I wish Jackson was here to do all these things for, but instead I will have to go on missing him.

Jackson would have been 18 months old just a few days ago. I can only imagine how cute he would be now -- how fun this Easter would have been to watch him look for eggs and the celebration he would have enjoyed at church (although I'm guessing the celebration in Heaven is way more awesome than we can even imagine).

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I want to honor him when holidays come around. Brent and I usually light a candle in a cool lantern we bought in Switzerland (doubly cool because that was the trip we officially decided we were ready to start our family). But in some ways I want to come up with something unique for each holiday.


To all the angel parents out there -- is there anything unique you do? I would love to hear any one's ideas.

If you  recently lost a child, the holidays suck. There's no way around it. Hang in there and know I'm thinking about you!

Have a blessed Easter.