Fighting a taboo subject

Before Jackson ever died, I never really thought about stillbirth or heard about it much either. I thought it was something that happened more 100-plus years ago, and a very, very rare occurrence today.

Although it is still considered very "rare" it happens more often than you think, unfortunately. However, the subject is still so taboo that if it never affects you, I doubt you are ever going to really give it a second thought. 

But here I am in a world I never thought I would be a part of -- an elite club of mothers and fathers fighting this taboo subject and stuck with the grief and misery of losing a child. I have met some amazing, strong people through this "club" -- online and in person. I am so grateful that they are a part of my life now. Frankly, I don't think I could have survived without these people's support.

I have also come across many people I don't know personally who are also fighting to get people talking more about stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss. I am so amazed at how strong we all are -- all of us who are willing to stand up and get this taboo subject out in the open.

In the almost year since we have lost Jackson, I have come across so many new resources out there, mainly started by mothers who have lost a baby. Just like what I hope to accomplish with my Knits of Grief project, these women are putting their hearts and souls out there in hopes to comfort other grieving families.

I would like to share a few of these resources with you today. They will also be included on my "Resources" page.

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope:

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope was created by a woman who suffered a stillbirth this past May. She had the idea to put our stories on to one site, and it has taken off in leaps and bounds. Women (and men) are encouraged to submit their story of loss so we can connect with one another and know we are not alone. I recently submitted my story to the site, and you can find it by clicking here (although it is the same one I have posted on this site).

Molly Bears:

Molly Bears was also started by a mother who also lost her baby, Molly, this past May. She buys shells of teddy bears and stuffs them to the weight of your baby free of charge. This way, you can hold a bear the same weight as your baby. What a unique and cool idea! I know they are looking for donations, so any help you can give, I am sure they would appreciate!

October 15 is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. And the month of October has also been declared as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. There are many things you can do during the month to recognize your babies (which I will blog about once October hits), but for now there are a couple of things I would like to mention. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope has also started a campaign to recognize the day, and raise donations to keep their Web site going. You can learn more at www.iamtheface.org. Brent and I will also be participating in a Remembrance Walk on Oct. 9 at a local park put on by A Walk to Remember, an organization dedicated to providing support resources for bereaved parents. You can find more information at www.walktoremember.org.

So please, join with me in the movement and help make stillbirth, infant loss and miscarriage a non-taboo subject.

Death, Life and Hope

A few weeks ago, my grandfather, Richard Jackson Felix, passed away. It wasn't completely unexpected, but it is still hard sometimes. He was definitely a fighter -- defying death several times in his life, actually. He was shot in World War II and earned himself a purple heart. He even was ran over by a cement truck. Ouch!

Despite these things, he recovered, and lived a full life. I always admired the relationship he had with my grandma. I could always tell how much fun they had together on all their traveling and they always seemed liked the best friends in the world to each other. I'm so glad I was able to have that influence in my life.

I was lucky enough to visit my grandpa in early July. It was a bit tough, as I knew it would probably be the last time I would see him, but I'm so, so glad I got to spend those precious hours with him, hug him, kiss him and let him know how much he is loved.

His death has made me again ponder how precious and brief life can be. No matter if it is only 38 weeks (as long as Jackson lived) or 85-plus years like my grandpa's life, it never seems long enough. We always want these people to be here with us longer. And when they are taken from us, it just seems unfair.

However, I have a little bit of hope for life. A little bit of hope for my life and the new precious life that is growing in me right now. I have three more months until I will hold this precious girl in my arms and hopefully hear her cry. Some days I feel like I know this will happen. That this little life will make it. But I don't take any of it for granted -- not one day, because each day is precious.

I recently finished a book titled "Holding on to Hope," by Nancy Guthrie. Nancy lost not one, but two babies to Zellweger Syndrome. I can't imagine going through something like this twice, but her book gave me comfort and hope. Her daughter, named Hope, inspired her to write the book. One thing really stuck with me -- that one of our responses to God should be gratitude, even during the times of suffering. "You see, Hope was a gift. And the appropriate response to a gift is gratitude."

How grateful I am for the gift of my grandpa and the 29 years I was lucky enough to have him here on Earth. How lucky am I that I can say I am Jackson's mom. No one else can say that. He was beautiful and perfect and I am so thankful for the time I got to know him while he was in my womb. And I feel so blessed knowing that I am falling in love again with my second child -- the same kind of love I feel for Jackson.

And so this does leave me with some hope. Hope that when my grandpa arrived in his heavenly home he was overjoyed to meet Jackson, and that Jackson now has another grandpa with him there (and thrilled to discover they share part of the same name!). Hope that this little life growing inside of me is here for a purpose, and will bring Brent and I an incredible joy I have yet to experience.

So please, be grateful for the ones you have with you now and the ones that may have passed on.

"But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God." (Psalm 50:23).

My last moments with my grandpa

Beautiful Boy

When Jackson was handed to me after I gave birth to him, I was overcome with how beautiful he was. I knew he would be cute, but I wasn't expecting the amazing beauty that was in front of me. He was more perfect and adorable then I ever could imagined.

The song "Beautiful Boy" by Jon Lennon immediately popped into my head. Every time I held him, looked at him, traced my fingers along the outline of his face .... all I could do was hum that song. How beautiful he was!

After we arrived home from the hospital and started planning his funeral, I knew the song had to be a part of it. I knew it would be emotional for some, but as his mother, I wanted the song to be a part of the service.

Within two days, a wonderful woman from our church volunteered and put together an incredible video of pictures to play the song to. I could have never put something like this together at the time, so her efforts are greatly appreciated! I know it sounds weird to have a "favorite" part of the funeral, but watching the video and hearing the song was mine.

I'd like to share that video with you. I know many of my friends and relatives have seen the video already, but I'm ready to share it with the rest of the world too. Not only did the video and song hold special meaning at the funeral, it has come to mean a lot to my husband and me. It still brings us sadness, but some comfort along the way too. The song will always remind me of Jackson, and I am so glad I have this little video to treasure.

You may view it here: http://www.vimeo.com/7735602

I hope, pray and wish that you never have to plan your baby's funeral. If you do find yourself in this situation right now, do what your instincts tell you. Trust in them. Don't worry what anyone else thinks or says. Even though its so stressful and exhausting, it is one thing we can plan and put together for our child. If you have a unique idea, a special song or certain activity you want to do, do it. You won't regret it. I promise. And please, don't feel bad asking for help in this situation. Recruit your friends and family to do all the work for you. As in my experience, they would be glad to help in anyway they can!

Nine months

I've been a bit MIA recently -- I was busy getting ready for our two-week Western road trip and then on the road for two weeks! It was a much-needed vacation for both Brent and I and we were happy just to spend some quality time together.

Since I didn't want anything to happen to the current blanket I am knitting, I left it at home. So, again it is slowly coming along, and I do really hope to have it done in less than a month. Several of you out there are knitting along with me, which keeps me so much more motivated for this mission and lets me know that I am doing something good here. Once I get my blanket done, I do want to make my first (finally!) donation to a hospital. I am also working on designing a postcard to keep with the blanket, letting the families know about the Web site and mission of Knits of Grief. I've been a bit frustrated designing the postcard, mainly because I want it to be perfect, but I know it will get there eventually!

On July 19, Jackson would have been nine months old. Its always a bit hard every time the 19th of the month rolls around. It means one more month has passed since Brent and I got to hold our precious baby boy, and one more month of wondering what his first year would be like. We wonder so much what he would look like now compared to his newborn pictures, what his personality would be like, how active he would be crawling -- and probably by now pulling himself up on lots of things and slowly figuring out how to walk.

Although this can sometimes bring me a new wave of grief and sadness, I can think of Jackson now and smile a bit.  He was beautiful, and Brent and I both felt like we got to know him in the short 38 weeks he was with us here on Earth. And I wouldn't give that time up with him for anything.

If you have recently suffered a loss of your own, your pain is probably completely raw and incomprehensible. Please hang in there, and know at one time or another you will be able to look at the time you spent with your baby and smile -- just a little bit -- too.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers and grandfathers out there. Whether you are blessed to be a dad to an angel in heaven or blessed to have children here on Earth, I believe the connection fathers have to their children can never be denied. I see it in my husband everyday. Jackson means the world to him, and I know he always will.

A father's grief is just as tough as a mother's grief. So today I ask you to remember the dads who have lost children and say a little prayer for them.

I have two links I would like to bring your attention to. Recently, Brent came across a blog titled "A Blog for Father's When a Baby Dies." Brent has really enjoyed reading this, and I hope it can be a resource to other dads going through the same thing. The author of the blog lost his daughter 20 years ago to stillbirth, but it is obvious the pain of missing her is still there. Especially check out his entry from April 26 where he talks about Father's and Mother's days. I will also be adding this blog to my resource page.

Although it sounds weird, I was pleased to open the paper today to The Denver Post and see an article about dads who have outlived their children. Although the article speaks of dads who lost children when they were older, I was still happy to see The Denver Post thought to acknowledge men who have suffered a loss on Father's Day. I encourage you to check out "For dads who outlive kids, Father's Day is bittersweet."

And finally, I would like to include a poem for the dads:

My daddy is survivor too... 

My daddy is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my daddy each day to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone, and wishes he could understand.
My daddy is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's OK.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor... And, I can still feel his love.
~Author unknown

Happy Father's Day!

Quotes to live by

May flew by for me. Mainly because I wasn't home. I got to go to Indiana to see family, turned 29, went to sunny San Diego for a nice little vacation with Brent, and then took our boat to Truman Lake in Missouri and had a fun time there hanging out with my brother-in-law Eric. All these distractions were great, but left me little time to knit as much as I wanted. But now that I am home, I am back into the routine of knitting a bit everyday.

Two quotes have been sticking with me a lot lately and I thought I would share them and what they mean to me.

"You never know what kind of pain people are walking around with."
~Nate Berkus

A few months after Jackson died, I was watching "The Oprah Show." Nate Berkus, an interior designer and a regular on the show, was helping a family on the episode babysit and clean up their house. Anyway, Nate was in Thailand when the Tsunami hit in 2004. Nate survived, but his partner, Fernando Bengoechea, did not. During the show, Oprah asked how he was doing and what he's learned 5 years after the tragedy. Nate said something to the effect of "You never know what kind of pain people are walking around with." This quote has stuck with me ever since watching the show. How true this is. When you start to think about it, most people have been through something difficult in their lives -- whether it is a loss, abuse, illness, tough economic times, etc ... -- life is hard. Probably when you first meet someone (or even meeting someone after several times) you probably have no idea what they have been through. On the outside, they can smile, laugh, make small talk and seem fine, but you never know what someone might be really feeling. This has given me even more reason to be nice to anyone I meet. I've always tried to do this, but now that I've been through what I have this rings true more than ever. I want to encourage you to do the same. So when you're out in the world, always remember "you never know what kind of pain people are walking around with."

"Do not worry about the things you cannot control."
~Laurie Wood

Laurie is in my support group. It is possible she may not even realize she said this, but last month when we got together, she did -- and it has stuck with me. Another mantra I try to tell myself every day. Mainly because I need too. Since Jackson's death, my worry and anxiety levels have been a lot higher. I don't know if they will stay this way for the rest of my life, but telling myself not to worry about the things I cannot control has been helpful. I wish I could have prevented Jackson from dying, but I couldn't. And I know I cannot control lots of things, but boy would I like too! Anyway, Laurie, thank you for saying this to me. It has been so helpful for me to repeat this daily!

If you have any quotes you would like to share, I would love to hear them. I am always looking for good quotes/sayings to add to my page! And, as always, thanks for the support.

Jackson's tree dedication, Mother's day

I apologize for the delay in posts, but all last week I was in Indianapolis/Louisville visiting family. It was so nice to see everyone, and I especially enjoyed the time I got to spend in Louisville with my brother, sister-in-law and my cute nephew Owen. Owen and Jackson were to only be about three months apart. Although it saddens me they cannot play together, I am so happy Owen is here, and he made his aunt feel very loved! We had a lot of fun going to the zoo, taking walks and all-around playing.

 Dinner downtown Louisville

(From left: Audrey, Owen, Nathan and me)

The trip also held something very special. On May 2, we dedicated a tree in memory of Jackson at my parents' and in-laws' church in Indianapolis. I was so impressed with all the family and friends who were willing to come out, stand in the rain (and mud!) and help us remember our precious son. Brent and I took a lot of time to plan the little ceremony, and I think it turned out quite well. Although Brent couldn't be there, he was able to record "Grace Like Rain" (the song we planned to use at Jackson's baptism) and "Lullaby" (the special song Brent wrote for Jackson after his death) and play them during the dedication. I think "Lullaby" definitely had a special impact on all who were there, and we were glad we got to share the special song. One of my favorite parts of the ceremony was when everyone mixed in some soil at the bottom of the tree to help it grow. I feel like everyone put a little bit of their love into the tree and showed their love for Jackson by doing that simple act. The tree has very quickly become something very special for us. I am excited to watch it grow strong. The tree is also near the church's school and playground, so children will pass it everyday. I wouldn't want it any other way. We are happy the tree is near many of our relatives so they can easily visit it as they wish.

 Listening to "Lullaby"

(From left: Me, Grandma Joyce, Grandpa Larry, Grandpa Dave, Grandma Joellen)

Part of the crowd

Top: Grandmas placing the plaque. Above: Jackson's plaque.

 The whole tree

Mixing nuturing soil into the tree

I also want to thank everyone who sent kind thoughts and prayers to us on Mother's Day. The day was obviously not what we were expecting it to be this year, and there were some emotional moments. However, Brent made it still very special for me. He made me blueberry waffles for breakfast (Yum!) and suprised me with a wonderful gift -- a beautiful mug with my favorite pictures of Jackson printed on it. We spent the afternoon on our boat relaxing, reading and enjoying each other's company, and ended the day by going out to dinner. Thanks again, husband, for being so wonderful! 

My Mother's Day gift

My second blanket is also coming along. Although I try to work on it a bit every day, I wish it would come together faster! I am getting anxious to finally be able to make my first donation, and after I finish this one, I hope to be able to do that. I guess I have to remember these things take time, and I do want it to turn out as nice as possible!